Well it’s probably the least eventful New Year’s Eve that I’ve ever had… For months now, I’ve been looking forward to meeting up with my girl HP to go snowboarding out in Colorado. We’ve been hyping it up for a while now and I couldn’t wait. It’s been highly anticipated because how fun is that?! Shredding with my pal.. doesn’t get much better.

I’m always a little skeptical about getting excited about things in the future, though, because I know things happen and, being the paranoid over thinker that I am, I never want to get ahead of myself because I know I could be let down. Well here we are! My flight this afternoon was delayed on and on and on until it was ultimately canceled because of ice in Dallas. Can’t control those things. Can only control your response, right?

Let me backtrack a bit. The past couple weeks have been super sweet. I’ve gotten to be home from Branson, and have truly enjoyed lots of good quality time with my family. There’s honestly nothing I love more. An ideal night for me is being home with my mom and dad and sister (and bro in law) and playing nerts after we cook dinner. Simply the best. But if you’re reading this, you know I also really love traveling and adventuring and kinda always being on the go. True. And I am super passionate about working out and eating good food… lol. So, what does that have to do with anything? Well all three of those aspects of who I am can play into my desire for my life to function a certain way.

Let me explain. I always want to take every single opportunity to travel at the drop of a hat, experience new things and enjoy life to the fullest. In and of itself, not bad. I have this overwhelming desire to work out all the time. In and of itself, not bad. I essentially plan my day around my food choices, aiming for them to be healthy and quality. In and of itself, not bad. But what was brought to my attention last week was alarming and all too true: I allow my own agenda, driven by these factors, to trump just about all else in my life.

Discipline in health is something that we should strive for but we should never allow that to be all consuming. Similarly, adventure and travel are blessings we can enjoy. By all means, go on trips, make memories, see the world and meet people along the way. But don’t allow it to be the default, causing anything below that standard to be insufficient for you to be happy…

I think in our millennial culture today, Christian and non-Christian alike, we keep ourselves so busy chasing happy moments that we miss the beauty and joy of stillness. We don’t want it, really. A day with no plans is a lackluster recipe for depression… What? How did we get here? At what point did I allow my source of joy to waver so much that it is no longer anchored on Jesus but rather His blessings I get to enjoy and end up expecting? And then from there, how did I so casually wander off into this mindset where, if I’m honest, the adventure and hobbies and lifestyle and you name it, have scaled over my affections for Jesus? I find myself sinking into this rat race for fulfillment. But I’m a believer, a Christian, a Christ-follower; I am content in Him alone… right? If I’m not; if I’m more often selfish than I am self aware, does that call my salvation into question?? If I pray and pray for my life and heart and attitude to look like what Paul describes in Philippians 2 but all I find myself doing in that regard is failing, then what does that say for me?

I sulk in discouragement and defeat, feeling as though I’m unworthy to fly the flag of Christianity as I become disgusted with my passion and fervor to learn and know and speak truth accompanied by a lack of follow through in the nitty gritty daily grind of life unavoidable.

So, I’ve found myself lately in this spiritual disarray. And the reason I’m writing is to communicate that. To be vulnerable and let anyone and everyone know that I suck. I don’t ever want to come across that I have it all together, that I am some young Christian guru who is thriving in life. HA. HA. That’s funny. Ya see, I’ve got a lot of stuff I’m still working through and wish I could say my stat chart of progress was more impressive. But to be real, it just isn’t. I’m stubborn and THANK GOD He is so so gentle and patient with me. He is FAITHFUL, and has been, to keep me on the narrow path of sanctification that brings its fair share of speed bumps and pot holes and curves and bends in the road. Let me tell you, it’s not always fun.

It wasn’t fun last week to have my dad call me out and tell me I’m so selfish and put my agenda ahead of everybody else as my default. Wasn’t fun at all. My dad’s opinion to me is second only to God’s. Lol. But really, he is my favorite person in the world, my dearest friend, and most admired. So those words HURT. Even though he confronted me in love and with discernment, it still obviously wasn’t something I enjoyed hearing. But sometimes we NEED things we don’t necessarily want.

The week before, I overheard someone talking about how all I talk about is myself. OUCH. Dang, that one was rough. But ya know, as you read this… who is this blog about?? HA, yep, myself. But hopefully more than anything, it points you to Jesus. That is my intent. But the point is that really hurt, too, but God used it to re-open my eyes to a flaw in me that He wants to refine. The natural human condition is that we are most concerned about ourselves. That doesn’t make us special. No, what makes us special is when we abandon our natural sinful tendencies of bitter jealousy and selfish ambition (which cause quarrels and conflicts among us – see James 4), and seek the wisdom from above that is pure, peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, and without hypocrisy. Can’t truly be on that kind of a search if our minds and hearts are clouded by our own narcissism. That’s kindof harsh. But I need to be harsh with myself oh so often to remember how desperately I must depend upon Jesus.

I’m talking about James right there because it has really penetrated my heart a ton over the past year. I made the commitment a couple months ago to commit the entire book to memory. And, thankfully, I have only a few verses to go. But you know what is so discouraging?? As I am meditating on Scripture and literally memorizing a book of the Bible, I don’t necessarily find it easier to resist temptation. All the selfish ambitions still persist to nag at me for my attention. How defeating! But I’m subtly reminded of how all encompassing a relationship with Jesus is. He tells us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. That is holistic. To truly experience peace with God and with people, we must engage and invest every fiber of our being into the triune God. Dig into the Word, yes. But also talk to God; commune with Him in prayer. Discipline ourselves to apply His commands and precepts; we cannot stop at knowing and being able to recite them, although that’s a good start.

I get a little antsy when people say, “it’s not about behavior modification; it’s about heart change.” Pet peeve kinda, because gospel living absolutely involves behavior modification. Heart change is directly correlated with behavior modification, and vice versa. If my heart changes but my behavior stays the same, there is a problem. The Christian life doesn’t come without sacrifice and without discipline. To really know Jesus, love Him, serve Him, and allow Him to live in and through you, you have some responsibility. It doesn’t just happen by osmosis. Life with Jesus might begin with an altar call but it really manifests in us with a call on our lives. A call to discipline ourselves for the sake of godliness (1 Timothy 4:7). That takes some work. A call to work out our salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12). That takes some work. Now, being saved is an act of God, not a work of our own (Ephesians 2:8-9). But our salvation isn’t a finish line but a starting point. Hebrews 12:1-2 describes our race and it’s not a race to salvation but a race from salvation. So, sanctification is a part of the Christian life. It affirms our salvation to us while simultaneously reminding us of our brokenness and need for our Savior and Sustainer Jesus.

Wow, I have a million trains of thought all running on different tracks… Sorry, I hope you’re still trackin with me because I want to share a central point to this multi-faceted message I’m trying to communicate. So back to me sitting on my couch at home all alone on New Year’s Eve because my ski trip just didn’t work out… I. Am. So. Thankful. So thankful that my Heavenly Father cares much more deeply about my holiness than my happiness.

After a less than stellar conversation with my dad on the way home from the airport… okay honestly it was pretty awful actually and made me keenly aware of just how entitled of a brat I am… I walked through the door of my house sad that I wasn’t on my way to the mountains, but God immediately shifted my focus onto the bigger picture. Sure, I’m missing out on a fun trip and I’m sad about it. Okay, valid. But sometimes life just happens and things don’t go our way. And DANG I’m talking about a ski trip. Some people have never even been skiing and I want to complain… perspective! Also accurate.

But even bigger picture for me personally is this ah-ha moment that rocked me in the best way. The last couple weeks as I’ve been super discouraged about continuing to struggle so hard with selfishness and wanting God to root that out of me so I can look more like Him, He uses a canceled ski trip to effectively work in that very struggle.

So as it clicked for me just as I opened the door of my house, the tears came. Tears had already come from frustration in the car and whatnot because idk I’m an extra emotional girl sometimes. But these tears were out of admitted brokenness and overwhelming gratitude that the Lord chooses to gently refine me in the most intricate of circumstances.

It often takes tough conversations, but praise God He places people in my life who love me enough to have them. Dad, you sure are that person nine times out of ten. I thank God for you a whole heck of a lot but still not even close to enough. You’re the most special friend and father and confidante and running buddy and football watching pal and relationship advice giver and on and on but everyone’s heard it a thousand times. Hahaha. And I’m truly sorry for ever taking that for granted.

Heck, sometimes God allows you to hear slanderous things about you that might not even be fully true but He softens your heart so that you don’t fully reject that criticism but allow it to humble you.

And sometimes God steps in by tailoring your winter break plans to fit His heart transformation plans. And shooooot, forgive me Lord for often having the knee-jerk response of savagery and bratty entitlement. Praise You, thank You for extending a greater grace in spite of my shortcomings (James 4). I am always apprehensive about getting excited for things in the future because we just don’t know the future and I hate to be disappointed. But even in those moments of retrospect, let us respond with the theology of James 4:13-15. “If the Lord wills.” With big things and small things, I want to emulate a gospel lifestyle. I want the gospel to not only flow from my tongue and my laptop, but from my day to day actions and attitudes!

So this is where I’m at on the last calendar day of 2017. Sitting at home alone in Saint Martinville, Louisiana missing out on that fun ski trip I had planned but somehow peacefully joyful and content in Jesus being all about the hearts of His children really getting and actualizing the gospel.